just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
