I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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