Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
