Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I need water and some morals
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
