I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
