You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
