I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Bring me that man meat
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
How does it feel to date your dad?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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