This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
