I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
ok first of all what the fuck
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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