He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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