he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
