Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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