I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
