This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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