my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
