Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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