i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
