why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
