I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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