I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Randomize
