You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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