That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
