so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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