Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize