The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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