"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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