The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
