And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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