look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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