I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
