i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
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I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
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The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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