I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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