rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
