OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
