Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
