I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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