last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
