Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
