Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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