He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Randomize
