He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
