Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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