I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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