i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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