I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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