Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
