i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Randomize
