you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just threw up on my dentist
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
