around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
