My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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