maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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