Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
