Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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