How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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