My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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